Avoid Ubisoft’s Beowulf: The Game. This appalling effort to ape Sony’s God of War franchise, based on the hit CG-animated Robert Zemeckis film of the same name, has too many negatives working against it. The plot is stupid. You play as the almighty Beowulf, who constantly reminds you who he is by repeatedly shouting, "I am Beowulf!" (Someone get this dude a nametag.) He’s able to defeat a demonic child named Grendel and given the task of hunting down his mother, an even more powerful demon. Instead, she coerces him into providing her a magical item, granting him immense power in the process. The rest of the game has you dealing with her advances while fending off all kinds of dangerous enemies across your homeland. You might ask, "If he’s this unstoppable and confident warrior, why did he cave in to this chick?" Simple – she’s a virtually naked Angelina Jolie with a tail.
Even dumber than Beowulf, however, are the fellow Thanes assigned to help him with carrying out his tasks. Most of the time, they stand around in sheer awe. ("Wow, Beowulf!") Otherwise, they’re useless. You have to order them when to move rocks and boulders out of the way, when it should be second nature. They also need constant motivation to get anything done. You need to activate a "heroic power" to rally them in a fight and complete small rhythm games to pump them up with a beating drum and singing. It’s interesting to see a music-themed mini-game here, especially one paired with a lewd sing-along aimed to draw out Grendel. Your Thanes’ complete idiocy doesn’t prove useful when you’re stuck. Say you fall into a small gap, with a big ice wall standing in your way. You must scale that ice wall barehanded, but only slide back down as a result. Worse yet, your Thane soldiers stand at the top of the wall, offering no help whatsoever. Thanks, gang. Way to lend a hand to your beloved Beowulf in his time of need.
"It’s time for this game to die!"
Even worse are the boss battles. You’re pretty much on your own against these things, as your Thanes either abandon you or uselessly die at the beginning. The opening serpent battle is sweet, but the other fights fail by comparison. For instance, you beat the tar out of Grendel. You crawl all over him, hitting him where it hurts and diminishing his energy to the point that you’re one move away from wiping him out. If you miss one crucial button tap – even the most minor of hits – he regains energy and you start all over again. It’s irritating, and completely unfair.
Graphically, the game has its moments. The environments look fantastic, the lighting effects are well done and there’s no shortage of blood and gore. Watching Beowulf squash a crab under his boot in slo-mo is a satisfying delight. However, the animations are rather weak and the character detail blows. There’s not really that much music in the game, but there’s no shortage of audio voice sampling. Ray Winstone does great work as Beowulf (just as he did in the film), but some of his comments wear thin. Every time you activate Carnal Fury, for instance, he just has to shout "FEAR ME!" at the top of his lungs. If that’s not enough, your dumbass Thane followers can’t help but provide fan boy-like comments. "Wow, Beowulf!" Yeah, like we need a reminder that he’s Beowulf.
Beowulf: The Game is a waste of time, a movie-licensed game deserving to be more. The idiotic artificial intelligence, design flaws and frustration factor are simply too much to overcome – even for the almighty Beowulf.
